Tag Archives: covert abuse

Lies. A passive aggressive tool to control you.

Telling lies is one method passive aggressive people use to control you and others. Dysfunctional individuals and those with personality disorders such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder are pathological liars. It’s what they do. Pretty much all the time. It’s part of who they are.

lies can be pathological

from PsychopathFree

As a result of my own experience and from two years’ research for my book People Who Hurt due for publication in January 2018, I’ve identified different kinds of lies used by pathological liars.

Grandiose Lies

'Big' lies

from Slideshare.net

Overt narcissists in particular use the grandiose lie to create the illusion they’re better, more knowledgeable, more wealthy etc. than they really are. They would like to be superior to you and they brag (often) about their accomplishments. Their boastful lies can be easy to detect.

Grandiose lies cover up the painful truth the  narcissist/sociopath is in denial of hiding: the shameful fear of being inferior. This disordered individual creates a false image of self and continues lying to protect his/her fabrication

Pitiful Lies

Often used by those who choose to play the ‘victim’ card, these lies are designed to elicit sympathy from you.

covert lies

sob story lies

In this category of lies the individual may fabricate a whole host of wrongs inflicted on them by a succession of others including parents, siblings, partners. They use a manufactured sob story to attract empathic partners. More difficult to detect than the loud boastful lying of the overt narcissist, these sob stories are designed to make you feel sorry for their predicament. Before you realise what’s happening the covert narcissist has gained your trust and is manipulating you to his own ends.


lies of denial

heads in the sand

In a previous post I wrote about denial in more detail. As healthy individuals we know denial solves nothing. People with personality disorders have learned that denial works for them in the short term. Denying something they said or did serves to put you off your balance. You want to give the benefit of your doubt.  You prefer them to be innocent of what you suspect. They know if they keep on denying you’re likely to give in.

However, what they are really attempting to fend off is their unwillingness to face the truth of their fears. Their continued denial can lead them into the next category of lies:-

Ridiculous Lies

unbelievable lies

unbelievable lies

These utterances from a cornered narcissist/sociopath are so ridiculous they are completely unbelievable. Even when you hold the proof right under their noses they persevere with their denial. I recently read about an instance where an outraged woman confronted her partner about him taking her mobile phone.

“No, I haven’t,” he said.

She said, “You’ve still got it in your hand.”

“No I haven’t,” he said, the phone clearly in his grasp.

You end up pulling a face as in the image above. It beggars belief that anybody could think they could get away with this kind of lie. When it happens you feel as though you’re looking at an adult who has regressed to childhood.

Lies follow lies. They heap one on top of another and after a stream of ridiculous lies as in the phone lie mentioned above, they’ll deny they lied about it. You”ll likely hear, “I never said that.”

Trying to understand what’s really going on is like banging your head against the proverbial brick wall. That’s why I chose a brick wall image for the cover of People Who Hurt publication January 2018.

people hurt

People Who Hurt -abusers and codependants – looking for answers

These are a few examples of the kinds of lies used by pathological liars. All are destructive. Some are more dangerous than others.

People Who Hurt will be free for five days at publication. Leave a comment here or join my People Who Hurt Facebook page for up to date news of when you can get your free copy.

people hurt

Free in January. People Who Hurt – a new book about covert abuse.

Free book for five days

free book

People Who Hurt -abusers and codependants – looking for answers

Sign up for your free copy of People Who Hurt. Publication date is January 2018. To coincide with the launch I’m offering the ebook free of charge on Amazon on all country platforms. Don’t worry if you don’t have a Kindle. You can download the Kindle app free and read on your tablet, laptop or phone.

(P:S: I’m English so I spell codependant with an ‘a’ it being a noun in the sense I’m using it. Codependent with an ‘e’ is an adjective in British English but I understand this last spelling is interchangeable elsewhere.)

Who is the book for?

Grammar police aside, this book is to help people understand the nature of covert abuse. I do not profess to diagnose anybody. I’m not seeking to influence others’ actions. In sharing my story I hope to reach others to let them know they are not alone in their confusion when experts in the field of personality disorders cannot agree on where the boundary lines lie between the differing disorders.

I am not an expert. I have no qualifications in this field. What I am qualified to say is how certain behaviours made me feel. It turns out these behaviours are so commonplace across the spectrum of disorders they have names of their own. You may already be familiar with some of them: gaslighting, projection, triangulation, silent treatment to name but a few.

Part memoir

People Who Hurt is part memoir, part informational. Using my own experience and data gathered from two years’ research into the subject of hidden abuse this new book shows how insidious passive aggressive behaviours can be. Many victims of this kind of treatment don’t know it is abuse. The abuser follows a pattern of behaviour designed to undermine their partner’s self confidence in order to gain control in the relationship. I give examples of the kinds of behaviour that leave victims confused, doubting and wondering whether the faults all lie with themselves.

Silence is one of the abuser’s best allies. I’ve remained silent long enough. I want to do my bit to raise awareness so I’m owning  my story and standing up to tell it.

You can find my People Who Hurt page on Facebook here and follow the page and/or you can subscribe here on my website for up to date news of publication and the free offer.

Please share the Facebook People Who Hurt page with your friends especially those you think may benefit. Thank you.

Your email remains private. Only I can see it here on my website and I will not share it elsewhere.