What can you do after the discard? Not a lot. It’s impossible to think straight let alone make any decisions. You are in a state of shock. You can hardly put a sentence together. How are you supposed to begin planning the rest of your life?
How the discard affects you
You don’t know what to do. You don’t know why this is happening to you. You tell your closest friends and they look at you as though you’re the one telling lies. In your head you go over and over things said and done, looking for something, anything that might have made a difference to the way it’s turned out.
He’s always been so charming, hasn’t he? So affable. So helpful. Hasn’t he always been more than willing to drop everything and go rushing to someone else’s aid? In my case, N went to fix somebody else’s hot water problems when our own water was actually turned off waiting for him to finish the job he’d started at home. The garden watering system we’d bought to save me from lugging heavy watering cans went into somebody else’s garden – work that he was paid for – money that went into his own pocket.
But for me it’s not about the money. It’s about being relegated again. My own needs and desires were always pushed so far down his priority list they dropped off the bottom and were forgotten. It was much more important to him to impress somebody else, even a stranger, rather than complete his responsibilities at home.
And I allowed it to continue. I accepted that was how he chose to be. I put my own needs on the back burner rather than create a fuss. I didn’t know this was typical of the devalue stage of his planning.
His public face
This is so important to him. You’ve no idea the lengths he’ll go to protect it.
N did not give to charity. N did not drop a coin or two into a collection box. N had no sympathy for people who had fallen on hard times.
But he volunteered to transport equipment to and from a local cancer support drop- in- centre once a month. Actually, not as a true volunteer – he was paid for it. Again, money that went into his own pocket.
But didn’t the ladies think he was wonderful! So helpful. So kind.
Now that I know what I know, I bet he was scouting for his next target, looking for a suitable and useful person to supply him with his own needs.
How he plans the discard
Make no mistake; he plans it. He might not have a long-term plan for the rest of his life in mind, but he plans your discard with precision. Especially when it comes to his precious finances.
This is from Linda Martinez-Lewi Ph.D. clinical expert
‘Narcissistic spouses are irritated and disgusted with spouses who are ill, have injuries or chronic physical problems. This cramps their style and doesn’t suit their high flying energy. Besides, it’s dreadful for their grandiose image. In many instances they find another partner and quickly plan to replace the spouse who has psychological or emotional problems or is going through a painful illness. Narcissists are without mercy or empathy. It is not part of their psychological makeup. After the divorce the spouse in great need and crisis is quickly abandoned like a piece of paper flying in an errant wind. Often there are no warnings that this individual is going to be abandoned and left without financial resources that have been purposely depleted by the narcissistic spouse.’
Here’s a link to Linda’s website: where you’ll find lots of information about this type of non-personality.
Remember when my son came to visit in January? In my previous post I wrote about N’s crocodile tears recalling the day I was knocked down by a car.
He had already put into place his plan to discard me.
He had already opened up a new bank account in his name only ready to transfer funds he was planning to remove from our joint account. As he sat there, lying to my son, he knew it was only going to be a matter of days before he dropped the bombshell.
So what were the sobs about? Who knows? Maybe he was feeling sorry for himself. He certainly wasn’t feeling sorry for me. Perhaps they were tears of relief that soon his ordeal would be over. He’d had to stand by me, hadn’t he, during my period of recovery? Had to keep that public face in place. There was no way he could have discarded me when I was in such a state. What would people have thought of him? No. He’d had to wait a whole year. Another whole year pretending to be the caring partner looking after someone who could give him no supply because she was so tied up with herself.
From April 2014 I attended a day clinic for my CRPS. During that time I tried to remain positive. I had 4 months of non-stop treatments for which I’m eternally grateful to the French health system. When I returned home at 4pm I’d be so exhausted I had to go to bed and sleep.
I believe he was lining up his new supply then. While I was recovering from my injuries he was worming his way into someone else’s heart. He didn’t need to do much persuading. She was lonely. She must have felt flattered that he was showing interest in her.
How he chooses his next supply
Rule 1: She must have something he needs.
Rule 2: There are no other rules.
It isn’t about what she looks like. It isn’t about her age. It’s all about him and what he needs next.
It might be her money if he’s used up all yours. It might be her connections if he’s isolated you from all yours. It might be her health and energy if you’re ill. Whatever the reason, it won’t be because of love. He doesn’t give love. He doesn’t know what it is.
One breath at a time
So much has happened to you in such a short time. You are still struggling to come to terms with the speed with which you were cast aside as though you never existed.
But people break up all the time, don’t they? Relationships do fail. These things happen. But not this way. Not with all those cruel remarks. Not with callous disregard of your feelings. Not waving his happy, new life under your nose while planning to take away your dignity, your home, your relationships with other members of his family and your friends. Not leaving you without adequate funds to organise your removal from his life and his bullying. This way is not normal.
Decent human beings show some compassion for the one they no longer love. It hurts them to hurt you. They feel a sense of loss too. Maybe they feel a little guilty if they’ve deceived you. Perhaps they have regret too for the dream that died.
Sociopaths/Psychopaths/Narcissists feel none of these things.
Take one breath at a time. That’s how to get through the next minute, the next hour, the next day.
Recovery is a long way off yet. Give yourself time. Allow your feelings to have voice.(to be continued)
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(Edited. Removed from public view in May 2015. Restored November 2017)
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