Tag Archives: SEO

Blogging? Blogging? Give me a break

This is me.cabbageGreen as. Thought I’d got it sorted, did I? Knew all about blogging, did I? Getting all smug over the SEO stuff and plug-ins and talking like I know what I’m talking about? Wake up, girl. Sorry, that should be: Wake up, GRANDMA! You don’t know the half of it. There are people out there who’ve known this stuff since they were in primary school. There are kids could laugh you into the middle of next week. There are TODDLERS, dammit, who know more computer-speak than you do.  Kids who were blogging before they’d learned how to help with the washing up. There are generations of whizz-kids out there who have known this stuff since they were in nappies. ( Are they still called whizz-kids? Probably not)

See how out of touch I am? See what a numpty? Here’s another picture of me looking green.

cabbageface

green as grass AND cabbage-looking

 

That’s me told, then. That’s me wrung out and hung out to dry. So, while you’re up there, Grandma, remember this: there is ALWAYS something new to learn.

If you joined an evening class and went to learn how to, let’s say, build a rabbit hutch, you’d expect to come across unfamiliar terminology, never having built anything in your life before. Never having held a saw or a hammer or bashed in a nail with one end of it. But at least you’d know what a hammer was. You’d know what all the relevant tools were called and what they looked like as well as the job you were expected to do with them.

I’ve heard of chicken wire – I think I’d know where to go buy some.  I don’t know how to chicletize my website. WTF? I thought chicklets were what you gave the kids to eat when you were too tired to cook. I don’t KNOW what a feedburner is, so what’s the point in telling me to use one? I wouldn’t know one if it was hanging out my arse. I know what a log burner is. Will that help?

But, as I already said, there are people out there who’ve been au fait with all this stuff since before the dawn of the century. How did I ever think I’d be able to get up to speed with it in a matter of weeks? It’s true what they say about ignorance. It’s bliss!

H tags and Latent Semantic Indexing

Htags

cutesy H tags

Oh, P.L.E.A.S.E. Optimizing H tags? WTF?

Leave me alone. Who are these people hitting on my baby and telling me nobody will hear its cries for attention? Why are they leaving messages every day? Why have they got names like Dick Schone, Jimmie Limber, Bradly Stanphill and Dean Heldman but their comments are all identical? I mean, absolutely IDENTICAL. They’re not real people obviously. Real people don’t use EXACTLY the same words. They must be H tags. Real people don’t send tricksy little messages to get you to click on this or open that. They are the cold-callers of the internet and they either want to sell you something or bite you on the bum. I bet they have black eyes. You know, like the black-eyed children wind-up a while ago.

Midwich cuckoos

Midwich cuckoo children actually had golden eyes.

Somebody thought they were being clever using this photo as evidence of children having all black eyes. But, it’s a shot from a film based on John Wyndham’s novel The Midwich Cuckoos. See, I’m old enough to remember. I actually read that book.

Go teach your grandma to you-know-what. Leave this grandma alone. Stop bothering her with your offers of super-dooper sunglasses. What makes you think I’m interested in your hand-held magnifier? Gettoutamypub. I repeat. Leave me alone.

lsi

lsi building blocks

I’m learning at my own pace, thank you very much. I’m building my knowledge, but I don’t yet know how it all fits together. As with any kind of building, it seems to me you’ve got to have a solid foundation. I’m still at the foundation level.