The other woman. Who is she?

Everybody knows the phrase ‘the other woman’. Those three words immediately conjure up an image in our minds. The other woman is somebody to make you jealous, isn’t she? She’s stealing your man.  When you first heard about her your insides sank. Your mouth dried. Your whole body went into shock.

This has to be one of the worst moments in your life. You might dissolve in tears or maybe tempted to beg. Your insides are screaming at you to get this sorted to make it go away and your head is in such a muddle you can’t remember what you’ve said.

And then you get to thinking. She must be beautiful. Surely she must be everything he wants or he wouldn’t want to be with her. You wonder how long this has been going on? Has he been lying to you for weeks, months or years? Is he also lying to her?

A pattern of psychopathy

You see a pattern in his behaviour. He has changed overnight from a seemingly caring partner to a callous, heartless creature who is enjoying inflicting this pain on you. You do some research. You discover there are people who have no conscience, no sense of what it feels like to be on the receiving end of their cruelty. They feel no remorse. No empathy. Simply speaking, their brains are not wired for emotions.

The front part of a psychopathic brain shows a lack of response in the area which deals with emotions. People with this brain structure cannot feel the things we feel. Much research into this field has concentrated on the violent criminal type of psychopath. But what about the ‘ordinary’ men and women who have this same brain structure? How will their psychopathy affect the people with whom they have relationships? Have children?

In a Huffington Post article from April 2013 there is more information about this surprising phenomenon.

Can this knowledge help you?

So now you have your suspicions. You always felt that something wasn’t quite right but could never put your finger on what it was. Now that you are beginning to understand, how is this knowledge going to help you in your frightening situation?

He has another woman. You know he is planning to discard you and be with her. The other woman is now a fact. You realise that if he has psychopathic traits he is most definitely lying to both of you. It’s pathological with them. It’s who they are and what they do. They manipulate, manipulate, manipulate with lies and deceit until they get what they want.

At times you find a measure of comfort in common sense. You know, maybe from past experience, what the patterns are for somebody who is a cheater. The other woman will surely, at some point, find herself in the same situation as the one you’re facing now.

You feel angry

Anger kicks in. You feel you want to strike back. He has manipulated you for years, taking what he wants, doing only what he wants, using you until he became bored with you and looked for your replacement. You try to cope with your loss. You wonder if you were more like him you wouldn’t be in so much pain. You could be cold like him. You could be heartless like him. If you were more like him you could give as good as you got.

It doesn’t help. You are not like him. You have deeply felt emotions. You cannot switch from one to another like turning off a tap. Human beings with empathy have real, physical responses to their emotions. Their stomachs react. Their muscles react. Their chemistry reacts. People with empathy can describe these reactions. They know how it FEELS. Psychopaths/Sociopaths/Narcissists don’t. They cannot describe what they’ve never experienced.

The other woman’s feelings

So how is the other woman feeling? She must be feeling how you felt in the beginning. She is in the glow of that wonderful ecstasy of being in love. Enamoured of him. She can’t believe how so right he is for her. Like you did, she is becoming hooked on her own bodily chemical reactions. Addicted to love. She had better beware.

In the light of what you’ve learned about psychopathy you may begin to feel sorry for the other woman. She has yet to find out that she’s been chosen only because of what he can get out of her. When her usefulness has been exhausted she will be devalued and discarded in a similar manner to the one you are going through now. You torture yourself with thoughts that maybe they make a better match. Maybe it really is love this time for him.

He cannot love

No it isn’t. Not in the way you think of love. He’s happy he’s getting what he wants. That’s it. That’s all there is. And then he will be bored again. He might even be casting his net already.

I did feel sorry for the other woman. For a short time. I know her. I’ve been to her house. Remember, in an earlier post I explained how I guessed right first time who she was.

She isn’t beautiful. She is novel. And bearing in mind how my ex used to complain about the standards of my housekeeping she is a surprising choice. I need say no more. She was lonely. Vulnerable. An easy target.

So was I. He came into my life promising all the things I longed for. Now he’s doing it to her. She can’t believe her luck in finding such a terrific guy who actually loves her!

Poor thing.

Hang on. Wait a minute. There’s something else to take into consideration here.

Warnings

People have warned me about writing my story. Friends have suggested I need to be careful how much information I make public. It could ricochet, they say. It could cause me further harm somewhere down the line. He might be able to use it against me. Etc.

I will not be silenced. Keeping quiet about it is how abusers get away with their actions. I intend to keep on writing about my experiences in the hope that others may find comfort. When you feel like a victim you also feel alone. You need the support of others who understand to help you feel like a survivor instead.

There is an excellent website with tons of support round the clock from members who know exactly what you are going through. It’s called psychopath free and it’s a global community. There will always be somebody at the other end to listen to your problems. (Edit: this website is now closed to new members but articles are still available to read)

There are more websites and blogs on the subject and I am taking my place amongst them. If people want to unfriend me on social media they must do whatever is right for them. Writing is right for ME.

A change of heart

Here is my change of heart about the other woman in my story. Do I feel sorry for her now? Not any more. I’ve had plenty of time to think.

She KNEW I was ill last year. (Edit: 2014)  She KNEW I could hardly walk when she invited me to her house. She WATCHED me struggle with the pain of my CRPS. She SAW how I needed an arm to help me negotiate steep steps.

What kind of a woman makes herself available to a man whose long-term partner is so unwell?

Lonely and desperate are no excuse.

Her behaviour is as unforgivable as his regardless of how many lies he told her. They deserve one another.

And I WILL keep on writing about it.

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(Edited. Removed from public view in May 2015. Restored November 2017)

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