Tag Archives: Linkedin

Writing, Celia. Get on with it. A dialogue with myself.

Celia’s Head :  Writing must come first. I have to be blunt. You won’t listen otherwise. You’re spending far too long every morning doing other things: clicking a few likes on Stumbleupon, Re-Tweeting your faves, catching up with discussions on LinkedIn, sharing on Facebook etc. etc. You should be writing.

stumbling isn't writing

Stumbling takes time

Celia’s Heart : But social networking is important. Everybody says so.

Head: Who’s everybody?

Heart: Everybody on Twitter. If you don’t follow etiquette, something terrible will happen. And if you don’t Stumble regularly . .

retweet

spreading the message

 

Head: Don’t be ridiculous.

Heart: It’s true. You could get yourself black-balled or even ex-communicated. You’d be a pariah, a sinner, an undesirable.

Head: You’re being silly.

Heart: They are jealous gods, Head. You must pay homage. Worship every day. It’s a bit like writing, only different.

Head: I think you need a rest, Heart. You don’t sound yourself. Jealous gods, indeed.

Heart: They are. You must make regular sacrifices or they will bring down the wrath of the virtual heavens.  They know where you are. They know everything about you. Erich Schmidt said so just the other day. They know where you’ve been, what films you like. Everything.

handcloud

coming to get you . . .

Head: That’s because you’ve told them. You’ve Stumbled and Tweeted and Shared. You’ve spilled your guts, Heart. Of course they know everything about you. But this hand of God thing is going a bit far. Excommunicated? Grow up.

Heart: But it’s part of my life now, Head. What would I do without it?

Head: You know who you sound like, don’t you?

Heart: Who?

Head: Gollum Boy. You’re just the same, Heart. You’re addicted. You’ve turned into Gollum Woman.

Heart: But, it’s the way of the world now, Head. There’s no getting away from it. We can’t un-invent all these communication channels. You have to be in them. You must take part. You’re either with me or against me, Head. We’ll stand a better chance together – strength in unity and all that. You have to keep up. You can’t risk being dis-favoured with a thumbs down on Stumble or worse, Unfollowed on Twitter. Don’t you want to influence discussions on LinkedIn? You want to be known as a writer as much as I do, don’t you? You won’t stand a chance unless you’re being seen. Your name has got to be out there. You can’t risk excommunication. You’d be in the wilderness . . .

Head: Have you heard yourself?

erich schmidt

Google boss gazing into the future

Heart: . . . and your writing would be buried forever under a pile of essays about horizontal deadbolts. Buried alive you’d be, dead to the world, and all the while you’d be screaming to be heard, hammering against your prison walls to be let out into the Googlesphere and into the alms of our benefactor, the noble Erich.

But nobody would want to hear you.

Head: Would you like me to make you a nice cup of tea, dear?

Heart: It’s coming, you know. The new Trinity. The noble Erich and King Mike of Walmart will be joined by the god of Amazon. And if I knew how to do smart things with images in WordPress, I’d have these three photos conjoined like a triptych, you know, the sort of thing you see on an altar.

mikeduke

the boss of Walmart rubbing his hands at the future

jeffbezos

boss of Amazon smiling at the future

Head: What? Walmart, Amazon and Google? WAG?

Heart: You heard it here first.

Head: I’ll go and put the kettle on.

Lists? 1foolproof way to beat ’em.

list explosion

lists are doing my head in

Wouldn’t it be great if there was only 1 thing on your list you had to do? 1 magic thing which would make all those others disappear. 10 Top Tips for making this work. 5 Ways to make sure of something else. 25 things you must do if you want whatsit to be successful. Don’t forget the 15 things you mustn’t forget if you want the 10 top tips to work and the 5 things to get optimized.

They’re everywhere. I’ve got them up to my armpits. I’m sweating lists. Trampling them underfoot as they leak from out of every damned orifice. Yep. I’m weeping lists. I’m bleeding them. Dammit, I’m shitting lists.

list numbers

numbers doing my head in

I know they are supposed to be good for us. They must be if the marketing boys say they’re the best way to get our attention. Lists don’t just slip into eyeshot. They shout. HERE. OVER HERE. LOOK. LOOK. List ME.  ME.  ME!

And, because of our conditioning I assume, we do tend to take notice. Lists are what got us through examinations, after all. Didn’t we memorize a list of dates leading up to and after the French revolution? Didn’t we put everything in lists when we planned our revision schedules? I prioritized lists. I had them colour-coded. I had lists of lists.

Now I’m a grown-up and I have shopping lists, and to-do lists, and what to take away with me in my suitcase lists, and Christmas present lists and party invitation lists and, and, and everything on my lists is just as important as the French revolution and I’m SUPPOSED to remember them.

So, when lists stab me in the eyes every time I go on Twitter, I get uncomfortable. I can’t look. I can’t take it any more. I resort to things like absconding to Linkedin and starting a discussion about how I will not open any more messages linked to numbered lists and point blank refuse to visit their websites ever again.

Wouldn’t it be fantastic not to have all those lists pushed in your face? I collected the following lists in only a few minutes this morning:

Ten ways self-publishing has changed the books world http://gu.com/p/3fxtp/tw 

How to Publicize & Promote Your Book: 7 Pieces of Advice http://tinyurl.com/breew4r

Top 10 Reasons Why You Need a Content Marketing Strategy http://ow.ly/jQ9vb

Congratulations if you didn’t click on any of the links. You passed the first part of the test. You have taken the first step on the road to recovery. Watch those numbers float away.

no more lists

float away numbers

There they go. You don’t need them. Numbers are so passé, dahling. Lists are so yesterday. They are last Saturday’s pizza. They are chillblains. Old hat. Nobody wants them.

oldhats

lists are old hat

I’ll tell you something the marketing boys forgot. Are you ready? Paying attention? Shush, you boy, in the back corner. Sit up properly. Turn round to the front and put your bag on the floor. I know you’re hiding behind it, texting. Nobody looks at their crotch and keeps smiling for that length of time. Put that thing away right NOW or hand it over.

Here it is.

Lists don’t work.

Daniel Markovitz from Harvard Business review says so. He says lists set you up for failure and frustration. Unfortunately, he goes on to say this: There are five fundamental problems with to-do lists that render them ineffective. And then, and then, you know what I’m going to say, don’t you?

He effing lists them.

So even so-called experts get sucked in by their own list conditioning.They can’t help it.

That’s it, then. I’m on my own banning lists. All by myself. Doesn’t anybody want to join me?

Just DON’T talk to me about mind-mapping instead of listing. MInd maps are just jumbled lists. They are a conspiracy. If you’re not careful they’ll come at you with all the mind-numbing frequency of chirrupy lists and bore you into acquiescence.

My 1 way to overcome?

Don’t read ’em.