Tag Archives: hidden abuse

Secrets and Lies. Tools to manipulate.

Disordered individuals keep secrets. They tell a lot of lies. My previous post describes some of the different kinds of lies disordered people use against you. In my new book, People Who Hurt, publication January 23rd, I devote a whole chapter to the various tools narcissists, sociopaths and the like use against you to get you to do what they want.

people hurt

People Who Hurt -abusers and codependants – looking for answers

I’ve used examples from my own personal experience to illustrate the kinds of secrets and lies used against partners of such disordered people but I haven’t included every single instance I encountered myself. I want People Who Hurt to show how commonplace these behaviours are to help others be aware. Writing only about what happened to me would turn the book into a memoir and, although I’m happy to include my personal story, my intention is to give the book a wider audience.

A single voice can sound like one outraged, vindictive woman  seeking revenge. I don’t want that. Tens of thousands of voices saying the same things, describing the same patterns of behaviour carry more gravitas. People will be more prepared to listen.  These tens of thousands are only the ones who are able to speak out. There are many more women and men struggling to understand what has happened to them in their relationships with a disordered partner.

Secrets of hidden abuse

Victims of emotional and psychological abuse often stay silent. Sometimes they don’t realise they are being abused. The confusing tactics employed by covert abusers leaves victims unsure of exactly what’s going on.

secrets and lies, staying silent

staying silent when there’s too much to say

Sometimes victims stay silent out of fear, shame or embarrassment. Maybe they’ve tried to explain to a trusted friend or family member only to be disappointed by the response of disbelief. When victims themselves don’t understand what’s happening how can friends and family help? They have only ever witnessed the false persona covert abusers show to everybody else.

But silence is the abuser’s best ally. It frees them to move along into the next relationship and begin the cycle all over again.

An enormous secret

When I was preparing to leave my home abroad I discovered a secret so big it scared me. I didn’t know what to do about it. I didn’t tell anybody at first.

secrets staying silent

staying silent

I worried about how this enormous secret would reflect on me. Could I be accused of being complicit? How could I prove I was unaware of it? Once I realised I had  proof of my innocence I had to decide what to do about it. In People Who Hurt I reveal all. Because I possess a moral conscience I did the right thing. My conscience is clear.

secrets and lies

the truth will out

Exposing secrets and lies

The immediate aftermath of a breakup with disordered individuals isn’t the best time to attempt exposing their secrets and lies, in my opinion. In People Who Hurt I explain my reasons. I hope that by sharing my story I can help others see where I  made mistakes so that they may avoid the same pitfalls.

I want to help raise awareness of covert abuse so I’ve priced People Who Hurt at the lowest full price Amazon will allow. Also, following their promotion regulations, I’ll be able to offer it for free every now and then.

Covert abusers know what they’re doing is wrong. That’s why they cultivate their fake persona to make others believe they are honourable, trustworthy people. It’s a mask they wear to hide who they really are. It’s within their closest, more intimate relationships where the mask slips and their true intentions become clear.

You can contact me here or on my People Who Hurt Facebook page. Pre-order for the book is open now.